The Conversations The Build Us

Oct 6

When you think about the people who matter most in your life, what moments stand out?

Maybe it's a celebration, vacation, birthday, concert, family tradition, or some ridiculous adventure you still laugh about. There's a good chance many of those memories are sitting somewhere on your camera roll.

And those moments matter.

But when I think about what actually builds trust in our relationships, I'm not sure most of it would make a very good social media post.

It's the hard conversation you were terrified to have... and had anyway. It's the time one or both of you weren't exactly the best version of yourselves, and there was still grace, love, and forgiveness. It's screwing something up, owning it, apologizing, and making amends instead of excuses. It's telling someone the truth when staying quiet and avoiding the conversation would have been easier.

Those moments are HARD. Which is probably why so many of us avoid them. We worry the other person will get angry. We'll hurt their feelings. We'll make things awkward. Maybe we'll damage the relationship altogether.

Except we're apparently not very good at predicting how these conversations will go. Research on what psychologists call “constructive confrontations” found that people tend to anticipate more anger and negativity than actually occurs. In other words: the conversation you're avoiding might go better than your brain is telling you it will.

Did your parent or caregiver ever say, “I know you don't like it. But it's good for you!”? Whelp, some conversations are like that too (the research says so). Not because every hard conversation ends beautifully. It won't. And having the conversation doesn't guarantee the relationship will become stronger. But avoiding everything uncomfortable doesn't build trust either.

When we can disagree, repair, apologize, listen, tell the truth, and make it through something difficult together, we learn something about the relationship and about ourselves.

We learn that this relationship can hold hard things.

And that's part of what trust actually is.

Your camera roll might hold the beautiful highlights of your relationships. But some of the moments that deepen them the most will never be photographed. They happen across kitchen tables. On long walks. Sitting on the edge of the bed. Over coffee. Sometimes with tears. Sometimes with awkward silences. Sometimes with, “I need to tell you something...”

And gosh, I think we need more of those conversations right now. In our families. Our friendships. Our workplaces. Our communities. Our world.

But that doesn't start “out there.”

It starts with our own willingness to sit across from another human being we care about and have the conversation we'd rather avoid.

Maybe there's one waiting for you this week.