Who Are You Without the Roles You Play?

Identity is a curious thing. And it's something I've been thinking about a LOT lately. In Western culture, we tend to describe who we are by what we DO—the roles we play, the responsibilities we carry, the work we perform. Just look at the headline on someone's LinkedIn profile, read an obituary, or pay attention to how we introduce ourselves when we meet someone new.

Gosh, it's even one of the first big questions we ask kids: "WHAT do you want to be when you grow up?" … A veterinarian! Teacher! Mom! Dad! Swimmer! Astronaut! And honestly, it's adorable to hear their answers when they're little. But do you see the pattern? We're asking them what they want to DO and calling that what they want to BE.

Now, please don't misunderstand what I'm challenging here. Those identities matter. Being a parent, leader, spouse, teacher, artist, athlete, caregiver, entrepreneur, etc. can be deeply meaningful parts of who you are. They give us purpose. They help us find community. They tell other people something about us. If I tell you I'm a professional speaker, entrepreneur, podcast host, marathoner, taco lover, travel geek, dog mom, and BFFs with the best hubby in the world, you've learned quite a bit about me. But you still don't fully know me. And that's where I'm curious.

What happens when one of those identities becomes SO important that we don't really know who we are without it? What happens when your kids leave home and being a parent looks completely different than it did for the past 20+ years? Or you retire from the career that has introduced you for decades? Or you get let go from the job that made you feel important? Or even the hobby that has always been "your thing" suddenly doesn't light you up anymore?

Sometimes we cling to identities because we still love them. And sometimes, if we're willing to admit it, we cling to them because we have no clue who we'd be without them.

So lately I've been wondering what would happen if we expanded the question. Instead of only asking: WHAT do I want to be? What if we also asked: HOW do I want to be? I would LOVE to hear how kids answer that question. I dream about answers from little ones like: Happy. Loving. Adventurous. Silly. Curious. Kind. Brave. Free.

How different might our relationship with identity become if we learned early that who we are isn't only defined by what we accomplish, the roles we hold, or the things we're good at?

It's a question I'm asking myself in this season too. How do I want to BE? At peace. Grounded. Adventurous. Curious. Grateful. Free. And I love these words because they aren't dependent on a title. I can be adventurous whether I'm traveling across the world or exploring a trail ten minutes from my house. I can be curious whether I'm interviewing someone on my podcast or sitting across the table from my husband. I can be grounded whether I'm standing on a stage in front of 1,000 people or sitting alone in the woods.

Those qualities can also help me discern which roles still belong in my life. Of if something I'm doing consistently pulls me away from the person I want to be… if a role requires me to live stressed, rushed, disconnected, performative, or constantly proving something… then I want to pay attention to that. It doesn't automatically mean the role needs to go. Maybe I need to inhabit it differently. But sometimes? Maybe I've simply outgrown it. And that's okay too. Because we're allowed to change. We're allowed to discover new parts of ourselves. We're allowed to let one identity become quieter so another part of us has room to emerge.

So, my friend, as you enter this next season (of this year and your life), don't just ask yourself what you want to accomplish or what you want to do.

Ask yourself: HOW do I want to be?

And then get curious about whether the life you're living is giving that version of you enough room to exist.

HOW Do You Want to Be?

Let's play with this a little. Grab a piece of paper and start by writing down 5–7 qualities that describe how you want to BE in this next season of your life.

Not what you want to accomplish. Not what you think you should be. How do you actually want to experience yourself and your life?

Maybe you want to be peaceful, adventurous, playful, courageous, present, loving, curious, free, creative, grounded... whatever words feel like YOURS.

Then, underneath those words, write down the roles and identities that currently take up space in your life.

Parent. Spouse. Leader. Employee. Business owner. Friend. Caregiver. Volunteer. Athlete. Whatever belongs on your list.

Now look at each one alongside the qualities you chose and simply notice: Does the way I'm currently living this role help me be more of who I want to be... or is there tension here?

You may discover that a role you love simply needs to be lived differently. Maybe it needs a boundary. More play. Less pressure. Less importance. Or you may notice that something you've been holding onto doesn't really fit anymore.

No need to make a dramatic life decision before Tuesday… Just notice.

Because perhaps identity isn't something we need to figure out once and then defend for the rest of our lives.

Maybe part of being human is allowing ourselves to keep becoming.